...while wiping the counters

I knew it was going to break. I looked at the thing and said "that cup is too close to the edge of the counter, it's going to fall and break." So why didn't I move it? Why didn't I scoot it three inches back? What kind of overwhelming laziness took over me? So here's the mess and holy cow, it must have landed beautifully because it has covered the entire kitchen floor with even distribution. So instead of taking the two seconds to scoot the cup back or, God forbid, wash it and put it away, I now have the task of sweeping the floor at least twice, vaccuuming the floor repeatedly, scouring every surrounding room to make sure glass didn't magically shoot from wall to wall and end up in the basement like it has been known to do, and then I get to worry about the invisible shards of glass that cling to the cracks inside the grout, just waiting to pop up one day into a little foot. There are no tweezers small enough for those buggers. I have such wonderful foresight as a mom and a housewife. I don't know why I don't take advantage of this gift to save myself from these disasters. Two seconds and three inches could have rescued me. Two seconds and three inches. Well then, let the cleaning commence!

...while cleaning house

I love it when I get it all done! YES! The laundry, the dishes, the kitchen, the vacuuming, the mopping, the sterilizing, the bathing, the baking, the bathrooms, the bedrooms, the dusting. ALL OF IT! DONE! Ahhhhhhh.... those were the days.

...while driving home

No no no no, where's the rest of my candy bar. I couldn't have finished it, stay calm. Empty wrapper? Come on, I drove all the way to target to satisfy this craving only to forget that I was eating it and accidentally finished it all without savoring it? What was I doing? Talking to Lyla, that's what I was doing. Well then it's her fault, that candy bar didn't count. I get to go back and get a new one because that certainly didn't count.

...while not doing laundry

So here I am, sitting at the top of the stairs. Still in my pijamas, which is nothing new. How can I get out of this laundry thing that needs to be done. I can smell the wicked chore at hand and I can feel the weight of those friggen hampers crushing my lap as I sit here. Please pick up your butt. Grab your feet and drag yourself into the bedroom. No no, don't stare at the piles of clothes and cry as you shake your fist at the sky. MUSIC! I need music. Or maybe caffeine. Or a maid. Or a slave. Or I could just sit here at the top of the stairs trying to think of some clever way to motivate myself. The images in my head of other people doing my laundry isn't helping.

...while doing the dishes...

The dog is chewing on toy horse. Eh, that ugly, fuzzy little horse. I hate that thing. Then again, Clara will FLIP if she sees that it has been shredded. Still, the dog is occupied. Will Clara notice if the toy is gone? I could let the dog finish eating the toy and get rid of all evidence so Clara will be none the wiser, or I could satisfy my frustration with this mess by showing her the destroyed toy and firmly saying, "SEE!" This is what happens when you leave your toys out on the floor! Sucks doesn't it? I don't know how many times I have told you to clean up your toys. Im not your slave! I don't follow you around and put away the trail of toys that meanders through the living room. Don't know what to tell you, its not my fault." I'll compromise. Ill clean up the mess after Dory eats the toy, then I will tell Clara that the dog got one of her horses but I don't know which one and next time she should remember to pick up her things. That way, it will go in one ear and out the other and the whole situation will be null and void, without incident and with neutral feelings. How boring.

...while looking out the window

Wouldn't it be nice of me to get out that leaf blower and take care of that mess? It would make Joe so happy! He would just LOVE it and would probably give me the night off. Plus our yard would look beautiful, unlike our neighbor with the ugly grass and tacky front yard. Everyone would see me out there and think " oh how nice, a woman actually out there taking care of yard business instead of a man. So refreshing. Plus I could just blow away all the dog poop instead of picking it up. However, I have never used a leaf blower, I've never even turned it on and from what I saw it had some kind of lever thing or a thing you have to push or pull like on a lawn mower, I don't know if I have to yank on the thing because I didn't watch joe turn it on and it's big and I would feel stupid like the entire neighborhood was watching me wrestle the thing, thinking to themselves "that's why women shouldn't take care of yard business." Forget it.

...while jogging

Ok, hit my 1/2 mile stride, woohoo! Here we go open road! Hee-ya dog, pick up the pace, hee-ya! We're movin, we're movin, we're -- DORY YOU STUPID DOG DON'T STOP IN FRONT OF ME! Ok, here we go-- IT'S JUST A CAR, WHY ARE YOU STOPPING? LETS GO! NO NO NO DON'T POOP IN THE STREET! Great. I forgot a bag. Oh well, nobody will know it was my dog, there's no way I would jog around with a bag full of poop anyway. Feel in it, into the groove, pickin up speed, ignore the squirrel, ignore the squirrel, DORY IGNORE THE SQUIRREL! STOP TUGGING! Ok, another runner commin this way. Don't worry about my dog, not all pit bulls are nasty, she's a good dog, don't worry. What a jerk! You move all the way to other side of the road to avoid my dog? Whatever. You look stupid in your little outfit any way. DORY DON'T BARK AT HIM! DONT BARK DON'T BARK! "she's really nice, I promise, she wont hurt you, have a nice day Mr." .....I'm going home.

...while unloading the dishwasher

I wonder if any of my neighbors can hear me singing. If I crack the windows a litltle bit they may hear me singing but it wont look like I'm intentionally trying to get them to hear me because the windows are only cracked, not fully open, thus giving them the idea that I don't know how great I am. Then one day on the way to the mail box someone would be like " oh hey I heard you singing the other day," and I'd be like " really?? I didn't know anyone was listening." and then they would say " you know, I have a friend in the music industry, I'd love to introduce you to him." and I'd be like "wow! how unexpected!" then I would meet them and they would love me, I'd become a huge music star right away, bypass the whole American idol road block, spread my wealth to those in need, cure world hunger, buy Italy and live the rest of my life peacefully in my giant home with my maids to clean up after me. All because I accidentally left the window open while unloading the dishwasher.

...while putting the kids to bed

"I have to go to the bathroom."
"Can I have a snack?"
"You said you would sing to me."
"Just let me color this one part."
"I have to go pee."
"I need a hug and kiss."
"Mommy, snuggles!"
"But you didn't get me some food?!"
"Where's my water bottle?!"
"Can you find my little black horse?"
"You forgot to give me dinner!"
"Can I have raisins?"
"I dropped my Pegasus!"
"Can I stay up?"
"Why can't I stay up?"
I wonder how many times I have walked up and down the stairs in the last hour as I have tried with all of my god given patience to put my kids to bed.

...while cleaning the kitchen

My software developer husband just told me what it means to be "wired in" while he's at work. It means he gets so focused on the computer code he's writing, that he doesn't even look up for hours. He just gets in the zone, knows what he has to do, and gets soooo much done. Then I realized hey, house wives have the same thing! There are times that I will have my music going while I blast through this kitchen and before I know it, BAM! The dishes are done, counters are clean, floor is mopped...dog has eaten three barbies, there's an inch of water on the basement floor, soft porn is playing on my iPad, and my three year old is missing. Gotta love those days. Feels like your getting so much done, doesn't it?

...while sweeping the floor

Should I really be sweeping the dining room right now? its only 10am which means I have at least two more meals in here, Clara will probably want to cut out some more horse pictures, and Lyla's obsession with eating her oatmeal dry is sure to make this place a disaster again, so I should probably wait and do it tonight. Then again it only takes a couple of minutes. However, it doesn't matter how dirty the floor gets it always takes the same amount of time to sweep it which means if i sweep it now and then sweep it later I will be taking up more time which I could be using to get something else done, but if I wait and sweep it all tonight I can get it done and clean in one shot, so I would only need to sweep once. But what if someone comes over today? How embarassing it would be to have such a dirty floor! Eh, its already half way done, I might as well finish it. Hmm, should I continue on and sweep the whole house? Well if I wait and do the living room after Bella gets home...

...while getting dressed

I am wonder woman! I am an achiever, a believer! I am on top of the world and nothing can stop me. Nothing! I will conquer anything thrown at me, I will take on Satan himself and will triumph! Haha!!!!..."MOMMMEEEEEEE, come and wipe my butt!"... Sigh. Back to reality.