...while being busy

I get reminded of what a liar I am every time my kids ask for a snack or a treat but I am too busy, annoyed, or lazy to get it for them. "Mom, can I have some more chips?" "No, they are gone. Go play." Lie number one. "Can I see that it's gone Mommy?" Hmmm, she obviously knows this trick. I've duped her before into thinking something was gone when, in fact, I just didn't want her to have it or I didn't want to go get it. "You dont need to go look, I told you they were gone. Believe me, they are gone." Lie number two. Without a word she gently turns around and heads toward the kitchen. I know what she's doing and in my head I rehearse my next lie. She shows up a few minutes later with the bag of chips, obviously still full of chips. She holds it in front of me with a somewhat accusatory expression on her face. "Oh, I thought they were gone, I thought your dad finished them last night." Lie number 3. "Can I have some?" "Ehhhhhh, fine." I act annoyed, hoping she would think I was upset that she kept asking even though I told her they were gone, and that I was doing her a favor by backing down and giving into her, showing her that I am a super nice mommy. In all actuality, I was just being lazy, figuring she would accept the lie and go do something else, or she would fetch the treat herself, getting me off the hook. I'm such a big fat liar. Bad Sarah, Bad.

...while studying kindergarten poilitics

There is some kind of underground toy trade going on amongst the children. Little did we know, that the school district has an extensive network of kindergartners forming secret alliances, coordinating deals and offers, gifts and threats, bartering and demanding while on the busses to and from school. My daughter comes home with a pony I have never seen, and one of her horses is missing. The next day she came home with a barbie, and one of her Zoobles is gone. These were the first signs of the secret toy trade recently brought to light. Through my strategically placed first grade spies, I learned that most of the deals went on between busses 474 and 516, and there were three children running the deals. The pieces were falling into place and it was almost time to strike. One day it all came to a head. My own daughter was heading the organization! She flew out of the bus with panic on her face. Sweat dripped from her brow as she tried to catch her breath. "She's going to do it, she really is! She's going to throw away the Princess Luna my little pony!!!" The drama was intense. "She said we were no longer friends, and that I would never see that pony again!!" It was time to put an end to this secret, underground toy trading network. We ran as fast as we could back to the house, hearts racing, huffing and puffing as if being chased by a rabid dog. I threw open the door, grabbed the phone, and contacted the other governments involved with the investigation. After a brief telephone discussion the situation was diffused, and the ring of terror had been disolved. Backpacks were to be checked every morning before getting on the bus and any toys found will be confiscated. The kindergarten masterminds will sit separately, placed between two second graders for both protection and control. Through careful planning and cooperative communication, the toy trade was successfully shut down.

...while feeding the fish

The lady at the pet store said that my x-ray fish will "do better" if I bought a second fish because they are "schooling fish". So, what if he stays alone? Will he get depressed? Is he going to refuse to eat? Swim circles around the tank in a state of neurosis? Mope along the bottom with a far off look in his eye? How will I know if he is doing poorly? I'm no expert, but he seems fine to me and I think he will get a long very well with one of those cool neon fish. And if he does die from a lonely depression I hope he gives me a sign because the friggin fish is practically invisible, and the last thing I want is TWO invisible fish taking up all the valuable water space. Having a fish tank is way too stressful.

...while contemplating my mess

My kitchen is clean. It is beautiful. White counter tops, cherry wood cabinets, stainless steel appliances. Finally, after weeks of halfassing it, I have cleaned the kitchen. It will be thrashed after I prepare just one meal and I will lose control of the cleanliness, so I have decided to take a picture. Every time I clean a room to perfection I am going to take a picture of it. I will put these photos together in a photo album so that I may look through them on a daily basis. It is only then that I will be able to see what my house looks like when it is in perfect condition. I will take a picture of each of my children right after their bath, neatly dressed, hair perfectly done. This photo album will be the example of a perfect home. I will name the album "Only in My Dreams". And yet, I do accept the fact that happiness comes only when you accept reality. The reality is this; I am a slob.

...while cleaning Clara's room

What a heart warming sentence. "Mom, I'm going to clean my room today and choose the right by helping you clean the house." How comforting and encouraging. My five year old wants to help me. "OK Clara, lets get to it! You gonna help me? I'm in your room, come on darling!" No answer. Hmmmm. "Clara?" Nowhere to be found. Ah, there she is, coloring in her my little pony book. "Are you coming?" No answer. She didn't even look up at me. "Clara, I'm talking to you." No response. "Clara, do not ignore your mother, answer me right now! Get in your room right now and clean it! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?! Well now you're doing it by yourself. See what happens? I was so happy that you were going to help. Now you have to sit alone in your room cleaning all by yourself. We could have been doing it together, having a good time, getting it done quickly, and I would have been in a good mood. Now I'm stressed and mad and you are in trouble. Happy now?" 15 minutes later... I swear if she is not cleaning I am going to FREAK.... "Mommy look! I have all my horses set up around the room and this is where the castle is and these are the ponies that help princess cylestia run the kingdom. These horses have to stay in the stable because they aren't pretty enough to play with these horses. This pony is dressed for the ball and she is leading the other ponies. The pegasus is up high overlooking the horses making sure nobody fights. Isn't it all beautiful? Will you play with me Mommy?" I'm Crying, being angry, laughing, being mad, melting, and submitting. I have been conquered by a five year old. "Of course I will play with you!"

...while wiping the counters

I knew it was going to break. I looked at the thing and said "that cup is too close to the edge of the counter, it's going to fall and break." So why didn't I move it? Why didn't I scoot it three inches back? What kind of overwhelming laziness took over me? So here's the mess and holy cow, it must have landed beautifully because it has covered the entire kitchen floor with even distribution. So instead of taking the two seconds to scoot the cup back or, God forbid, wash it and put it away, I now have the task of sweeping the floor at least twice, vaccuuming the floor repeatedly, scouring every surrounding room to make sure glass didn't magically shoot from wall to wall and end up in the basement like it has been known to do, and then I get to worry about the invisible shards of glass that cling to the cracks inside the grout, just waiting to pop up one day into a little foot. There are no tweezers small enough for those buggers. I have such wonderful foresight as a mom and a housewife. I don't know why I don't take advantage of this gift to save myself from these disasters. Two seconds and three inches could have rescued me. Two seconds and three inches. Well then, let the cleaning commence!

...while cleaning house

I love it when I get it all done! YES! The laundry, the dishes, the kitchen, the vacuuming, the mopping, the sterilizing, the bathing, the baking, the bathrooms, the bedrooms, the dusting. ALL OF IT! DONE! Ahhhhhhh.... those were the days.