...while making breakfast

     It's time to make breakfast.  REAL breakfast.  Joe is off to work and the kids are at school so I have plenty of time to create something great.  Something only I would love.  Eggs are pretty lame but hey, that's what breakfast is supposed to be made out of.  I'll make some bacon because bacon is bacon, it's good any time of the day.  Maybe I'll make it interesting by adding some sautéed mushrooms, onion and bell pepper. That sounds kind of awesome. Get a nice plump over easy egg to lay on top, maybe sprinkle some cheese, surround it all with bacon, fry up some asparagus with lemon and parmesan.  This is actually sounding great!  Then I could pr--- "WOW!  BACON! Are you making breakfast for me?  Awe, thanks babe.  Smells great!"
     Sigh.  Scrambled eggs it is.  Damn, I thought he was gone already.

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...while wiping the counters

"MOMMY the kitchen looks BEAUTIFUL!!  It's so CLEAN!  Thanks mommy!"
I don't know if I should be proud or offended.

...while observing my home

Right now Im feeling like my house isn't messy enough. It's at a point where all the rooms are "eh" messy, but nothing is "OH MY GOSH" messy. When things are "OH MY GOSH" messy, it's a lot more exciting to clean it because there is a wonderfully noticeable difference. When it is "eh" messy, there isn't enough of a change in the room to make me feel accomplished and excited. And who wants to be let down when hard work and effort can't be measured? Sweeping made a big difference. A room becomes livable if it is swept. But it wont look much different if I clear my desk, put the pile of socks away, straighten the pillows and change the ink cartridge in the printer. So what's the point? The floor in my laundry room is clear (gasp!) and I wiped the counters in the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher. I have some laundry to fold that has been sitting in the living for exactly 2 weeks, but is that really where I want to spend my time right now? It's only the girls' clothes and they will be able to finish the week wearing clean clothes. Plus, the baskets, although stacked, aren't causing a tripping hazard or blocking the TV. Dog could be washed, but he isn't too stinky. He's tolerable. I could clean my bedroom, but that wont make me feel like the house is clean. I'm at a loss.

...while stumbling through the laundry room

Thats it. I give up. Im not going to kid myself any more. Im never going to find a routine, or a schedule, or a step by step list that will help me with this laundry. Laundry will never be finished- accepted! Laundry will always make me mad- accepted! Lack of clean clothes may very well contribute to divorce- accepted! People will fall down the stairs and die after tripping over piles of clothes on the landing- accepted! Children will go without underwear for many days at a time- accepted! Other housewives will not judge me because of my inability to complete laundry- accepte... wait a minute here. I have a thought. Yes, yes those housewives. THOSE housewives. The ones who "love" laundry. You did this to me. Your foofy blogs about how simple laundry can be, about the "tips" that can guide any woman to a happy and healthy laundry relationship. I'll tell you something. Enjoying laundry so much that you feel you can help others achieve laundry success is just sick. My advice is to keep your passion in your own laundry room, because its not normal. Just like collecting vacuums, cast iron skillets, and figurines of cows to clutter the kitchen isn't normal. Did I fail? Did I fail because I cant follow the rule of keeping laundry off of the laundry room floor, no matter what? Did I fail because I dont fold clothes the minute they come out of the dryer, like you suggested? Am I a failure because I cant figure out how the hell you fold those fitted sheets so well? YES! Right? Is that what you want me to say? I can see the smirk on your laundry loving face. I can hear you saying "you could do it if you REALLY wanted to" under your breath. No I cant. There! Now I'm happy. Because I hate laundry...and that is normal.

...while getting ready for school

My five year old: "Mom, how come it takes so long for you to wash stuff?" "Uh, uhmm, [processing-stutter stutter ] I, uh... ehhhh...-think think think, respond! respond!- quick change of topic... Just go get dressed, you have some clean clothes sitting in the hamper at the bottom of the stairs. I think the skirt you wore last week is still dirty, so you're gonna have to dig for something clean." Now on to breakfast... if all of the spoons aren't still sitting in the sink.

...while panicking after a phone call

Company will be here in about a half hour. OK, how am I going to make my house presentable in a half hour with out it making it look like I cleaned it for them? Because if they think I cleaned it for them they will know that it was a mess and it was a big enough mess that I was embarrassed by it which means I'm not a good housekeeper because good house keepers dont have such messy houses. Anyway, I have to make it look like I wasn't trying. First things first... the stairs. Grab the panties, roll of toilet paper, toy horses and trash and bring it up the stairs, plop it against the wall just behind the corner of the landing so it wont be seen. Close all doors, drop all shutters, and turn off all upstairs lights to make it seem as uninviting, yet clean, as possible. Bathroom. Rub hand around the inside of the sink with brute force to get clumps of toothpaste off of the sides, then thouroughly wash hands after gagging (should have remembered to grab the clorox wipes from the grocery store two weeks ago). Close shower curtain, make sure the hand towel doesn't stink, dim the light, and be on your way. Laundry room. Close your eyes and walk quickly to the laundry room. Hold your breath is necessary. Dont look, just close the door and walk away. Just walk away. Kitchen. DO NOT START DISHWASHER. Starting the dishwasher will make them think that you JUST cleaned the kitchen, cleaned it just for them, and that you don't have the ability to simply KEEP it clean. Fill the sink with hot soapy water and submerge all dirty dishes. That will totally throw them off. Make sure to wipe the counters super quick and them sweep everything from the kitchen floor into another room with great big swoops to save time. Just keep the lights off in that area. Good enough. Go throughout the house and push things aside into dark corners. No time to put it away, but if you kinda scatter it a bit and push it into multiple corners it will look like a little mess here and there instead of a floor that has been covered with stuff for weeks. Even thought the vacuum is still in the hallway from when the house was vacuumed two weeks ago, it needs to be put away or they will think you just vaccummed for them and again, dont have the ability to keep a house clean enough for sudden company to arrive. We dont want that. Entrance. Shove all of it, whatever it is, into the entry way closet and pray that your company isn't polite enough to remove their shoes and politely stow them away in the closet. Don't forget to threaten the kids with death if they let the cat out of the bag by yelling something like "Wow mom! its so clean in here!" Also, gotta sit them down with a coloring book or something to make it look like thy are perfectly happy without tv. To keep that facade up, you're company will need to leave after about a half hour. Now that I pretended to clean my house I can put together my story. To a normal person, it will look like I usually keep a cleanish house, but I will head the conversation off with "so sorry about the mess, I've just been so tired today I figured I could slack off a little." Then the whole "oh no way, it looks fine, you deserve a day off here and there " will come into play. Afterword, I will sit and listen to the "being a stay at home mom is a hard job, you're doing great!" shpeal and tell myself "dont worry, you'll get a routine down someday so that you wont have to try and dupe everyone that comes over. It will happen, dont worry. It will happen."